CULTURE: SHOULD IT DETERMINE WHO YOU MARRY?
Tayanie Vincentio Bandah
Midnite30th September 2002
I can vividly recall from my maiden sociology lectures that culture is the way living of people in a particular society at a given point in time. This encompasses the peoples’ beliefs, norms, values, customs and even the art and music. Longman Contemporary English Dictionary adds to the definition that it is also an aggregate of all the other products of human thought.

Well let us come down to earth because the above definition alone will only serve but to bring some kind of abstract veracity.
Malawi is blessed to have diverse peoples with diverse cultures. One would not believe how the social values and customs vary just from one district to the next. This is the splendor of the richness of the aggregate Malawian culture one thing that is of essence here is that people have to learn to appreciate that there are other cultures different from ours and that they have to be respected still. Failure to have this virtue is what leads to tribal wars. We do not need that around here do we? It is funny how people get teeth to teeth, eye-to-eye, weapons up over these conceptual issues and aspects of cuture, but this has something to say at how much grip these aspects can have on human life and how they can dictate its course.
Do you realize how things can change by just deciding to believe or not to believe?

Still more I feel I have not clarified much or have I? Let us get even more down to earth. There is still an underground tribal war, a cold war of some sort if you like. What is the arena? You may ask. Answer, MARRIAGE.

Wavisanga (aka wavi) is the only child from the Gondwe family right from phoka in Rumphi.Upon announcing to his parents that he has got a girl from mchinji who he intends to marry, he is met with a firm No!” wamwana, mphaka mpa jenda” retorted the father. “Ukukhumba ise tiwenge nambumba yaye?” Interrogated the mother in clear reference to the Chewa custom that says, children belong to the maternal side.

Chiyembekezo is a young lady doing her final year at some college. She comes from Lilongwe Mpenu and she is serious about her boy friend from Mzimba solola, a fine young man by the name of Chigomezgo.Her parents make their stand clear that, “Ife sitikufuna kuti mwana wathu adzalowoledwe, you mean you want to be an asset to your husband?” Queried the father “In our culture children belong to the ladys family and if you accept lobola we are going to lose everything, you and the children! He will not even build us a house”, the mother warned.

Assuming you were in the shoes of these two guys, what would you do? Choose to disobey your parents and go on with your plans (Ephesians 6vs 1-3) or take your parents’ wish and risk loosing the apple of your eye (proverbs 31vs 10) and …

Well, let me begin by pointing out that culture is an integral part of each and every society and that its impact cannot be neglected
We have to appreciate the gravity of the effect culture gap and culture shock that is, the difference in culture and the reality of facing a different culture respectively. Every social grouping would love it if the entire world had a single culture and that culture being theirs. That is why conflicts arise even when it comes to who you marry.

God ordained marriage right from the Garden of Eden and he created them man and woman just the two of them
I believe that if two people are in love and have decided to exchange vows in holy matrimony the first determining factor should be whether one is a believer or not, other issues come later.

As Christians we are all born in one big family of God. (Globalization in church?)
and as such we all share the same culture of God and that is the culture of love.

According to one Dr musopole, sin perverts the culture of God and it is responsible for the subculture that is prevalent in most societies (Gen 3). This subculture unfortunately has been normalized and is what we think and term to be the normal culture. This has led into loving for a specific reason (conditional love) and gives so much value to power.

Getting back to the scenarios we had before. Wavi is forbidden from marrying from the central region because the parents are afraid of losing children their son and subsequently the children to the maternal side. Indeed they are expected to have such fears because they are bound by that custom.
Looking at that scenario, one wonder at the fact that people should scramble and fight over the question of to which side, paternal or maternal do the children belong to. Well, I think I have the best answer to the question, THE FAMILY. The children are born into the and not to the paternal nor the maternal sides as claimed The bible says that children are a gift from God into the family. This verse then invalidates the whole argument because it shows that even a couple does not have a title deed to own children, but they receive them as a gift from God. Suppose that a couple does not have children, what do you fight for in that case? Whether the man belongs to the paternal or maternal side? (Selah)
Usually it is the third parties that cause the entire wrangle and tussles. In chichewa there is a saying, which goes… “Banja ndi anthu awiri, wachitatu ndi kapasule.” Let me leave it at this point…

Coming to the second scenario where chiyembekezo is denied to marry a young man from the north just because sakufuna kuti mwana wawo adzalowoledwe.
Lobola, next victim…
Sometimes I fail to make ends meet about this lobola thing.
I hear it is like reparation to the maternal parents for their toils in raising their daughter, like educating her and grooming her into womanhood.
Instantaneously we ask, Kodi mwamunayo kwawo sanamuchengetere?
Because the impression that it leaves is that the man does not actually deserve the girl just by being him and so he has to complement himself with something, he has to face it in order to have the lady.
Well, I understand it all, this custom evolved at a time when parents had to choose who you marry for you, whether the lady loves you or not. (Irk!) So long as you have a kraal full.
But nowawadays people actually fall in love or climb up the love hill, as some prefer.
In this case then I feel that they both deserve each other and so what the heck!
One of my close friends vowed never to marry from the north where he comes from as a gesture of his ant regionalism campaign and I can see he is going right in that direction, thumbs up Bro!
On a stiffer note, this lobola thing actually found root when a woman was seen as an asset in a home. Just like the man uses a cup for drinking water, an armchair to sit on, the woman was used to satisfy sexual desires and as a child producing machine. This is typical of the subculture, which gives too much power to men, and women are viewed as receptacles and as a field in which people plant and expect to reap the produce.
Just to point out quickly, this is what leads to domestic violence.

Have you ever considered the fact that in countries like the USA, there is no such thing as “kumudzi kwathu?”Guess that is why they do not have so many problems as regards culture when it comes to marriage. From my view point I can bet my thumb on the fact that not more than 20% of our generation will build houses “kumudzi kwawo”Whether this is a welcome development or not, it can be attributed to both development and the decline in the mortality rate. The few that reach retirement age refuse to go back to the villages, as it is such a big upheaval, while most people die before 60, as the mortality rate is pegged at 39 in Malawi.

I am not saying that people should stop practicing lobola, but I think its motive and some of its aspects have to be looked at from a spiritual point of view. Again, I do not wish to imply here that I cannot be bound by these customs, no, but that these should not be central in determining a person’s destiny. These may be found to be trivia when viewed in light of Gods word.
The Bible says that we should be transformed by the renewing of the mind.
So if ones mind is renewed, succumbing to lobola would not be subjecting oneself to an act of selfishness but in this light it can be deemed to be an act of appreciation, care and love.

To sum it all, if two people want to spend the rest of their lives together, and they find themselves in a culture shock and gap situation, this should not be reason enough to terminate the relationship or failure to commence one. But let me be swift to point out that the two must evaluate their cultures together, reviewing all areas of conflict, and if they decide to go on they must be ready to face the implications of their cultures because to be candid, this thing has a taut grip on us all and we cannot act as if we are ignorant of its implications. There is a saying in english, which goes where there is a will there is a way, and another, which says love, always finds a way.
If two people love each other and they put God before everything, I say go ahead and for a moment forget yourselves and get together and embrace the culture of God, which is the culture of love.

The two should be bound by the cords of love and not of some subnormal culture .Our God is not a racist, not tribalistic nor is he chauvinistic, in fact we are all the same in his sight, black, white, pink, blue, northerner, southerner we are all the same.
So next time someone tries to pester you over an intertribal or interracial nuptials, go ahead and tell’em “we are all the same in God’s eyes and what matters to me is what God says about me, tell you what, I have embraced the culture of God, that is a culture of love.”
So whether you are from Mzimba solola, Lilongwe Mpenu, Chitipa Wenya or Nsanje Lalanje, donot be bound, for whom the son sets free is free indeed!!

Tayanie Vincentio Bandah
Midnite30th September 2002